• "Life is a like a box of of mozzarella sticks. You never know what you're gonna get, but you can predict with 100 percent accuracy that it will be a mozzarella stick."
• "You have to pee? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life."
• "I had a pet bird once, but it bit me so I threw it away."
• "I'm confused."
• "fuck all putty"

• [00:07] <[[sroracle]]> that's illegal
  [00:08] <hannehfoxeh> i'm not sure what you think is illegal?
  [00:09] <[[sroracle]]> that
  [00:09] <[[sroracle]]> is illegal too
  

• "I'm not afraid of insects taking over the world, and you know why? It would take about a million ants just to aim a gun at me, let alone fire it. And you know what I'm doing while they're aiming it at me? I just sort of slip off to the side, and then suddenly run up and kick the gun out of their hands." — Jack Handey
• "fool me once, shame on once. fool me twice... shame on twice." — APJVFF
• "I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?" — Jack Handey
• “things can change in the blink off an eye. blink again, and they may unchange. blink 3 times, who knows. 4 times, who care's. you can blink, not blink, or butter yet, just wink” (“Things can change in the blink of an eye. Blink again, and they may unchange. Blink 3 times, who knows. 4 times, who cares. You can blink, not blink, or better yet, just wink”)
• "Probably the saddest thing you’ll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it, little friend." — Jack Handey
• "i bought one of those craigslist peacocks. this fucking thing wont eat and its loud"
• "rubbinb hand sanitizer all over my loud mouthed pet birds"

See also actually inspiring quotes