The Toilet

Jerry shows George his latest material, crafted through long, late hours and numerous drafts. George thumbs through it, nodding as he reads. “It’s missing something,” he says as he reaches the end. He drops the pages to the floor, pulls down his pants, and defecates all over them before strutting out the door.

The next morning, George shows up uninvited to Kramer’s. Kramer invites him in and offers him some coffee, a new, rare blend he had sought out for several months, hoping to share the unparalleled rich, smooth flavor with the people closest to him. George drinks about half the cup, an impressed expression on his face. “It’s good, but… it could be better,” he declares, setting the mug on the floor. Kramer watches in paralyzed horror as George releases his bowels into the coffee and storms out of the apartment.

Later that evening, George bumps into Elaine on her way home from work, and he compliments her new coat. “It looks warm, and the stitching is beautiful,” he raves, “but I think I see something you could do to improve it.” He gestures at it. “May I?”

"Oh no you don’t," she replies, taking a step back. "I heard about what you did to Jerry and Kramer. You’re not going to poo on my stuff!”

Panicked, George wrestles off one of her shoes and defecates in it before running away.

"What’s the matter with you?" she shouts after him.

George rushes into his apartment, slamming and locking the door behind him. His useless toilet seems to mock him as he passes the bathroom — like all the others in the city, it snaps shut whenever he approaches, refusing to open.

Life sure has taken a turn for the worse, he muses, since I accidentally knocked over that haunted Port-a-Potty.

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Last modified on 05 Jan 2015 at 06:39:08 AM ET